Managing Mom Guilt
It’s Mother’s day and I spent one hour with my children yesterday. One. This isn’t uncommon considering they split time between me and my ex-husband. My daughter is a competitive gymnast and I spend many hours watching her grow up through a glass window. Add my intense and unpredictable work schedule and I often feel more like a chauffeur than a mom to my children.
I often think about how my children spend far more time with their teachers and coaches than they do with me. When I start to have these thoughts the mom guilt becomes very real. I compare myself to my ex-husband’s girlfriend all the time. When my thoughts get really heavy I even think maybe they would be better off being raised by their dad and his new girlfriend. Not really true, but I’ve had these thoughts.
I worry about working too much, not being present, physically not being there enough, and not being the “fun” mom.
Even deeper down the mom guilt hole, I don’t know what to do with my children half the time they are around! I love being in their presence, talking about how their day at school went, but then what?! Coming up with a common activity to enjoy seems to get tougher and tougher. Sometimes even conversations with my 14-year-old are full of one-word answers that seem to go nowhere.
I was recently introduced to the theory of “10-Minutes-Together” by researcher and professor Alisa Van Langeveld. In a nutshell, she says if you spend 10 minutes of quality, one-on-one time with your child every day you can build a strong and loving bond. She says older children like mine may need bigger chunks of time, but not every day. I’ve held on to this theory in hopes that I am doing enough.
In the end, we all have to be at peace that we are doing what we can and we have to keep trying.
I find my mind wandering all the time when my kids bring up subjects I’m not interested in. I take phone calls, scroll social media, and text too often.
On the plus side, I’m reliable. I’m almost always on the side-lines cheering. I make a home cooked meal most nights and I try to hug my kids and tell them that I love them every day.
It’s so easy for all of us to wallow in mom guilty among all of the seemingly perfect Pinterest mom’s, but my guess is your kids love you despite your flaws. Keep trying. I promise you are enough.