Mourning the Family Unit

The toughest aspect of my divorce was not mourning the relationship, it was mourning my family unit.

I had come to grips with the fact that my marriage failed. There were a million reasons or excuses why. We married too young. We became different people. We lied to each other and ourselves. I could go on and on and on.

What I couldn’t let go of was our picture-perfect family. I still don’t think I’ve completely grieved that it’s gone. I want to post about trips to Disneyland, home renovations, and about how much I love my husband. I never wanted to expose that we slept in different bedrooms, couldn’t afford trips others seemed to be taking and the tears I secretly shed.

I had dreamed of Christmas cards, hosting Thanksgiving and birthday parties for so long that I couldn’t imagine letting those dreams go.

I still ache for my children and wonder how they picture their “family.” Do they have a family? Is it “broken?” Are they worse off for having two homes rather than one? Will I ever send out Christmas cards again or take “family” pictures? Some of these thoughts are still too difficult for me to face.

I wonder if I’ll ever have a new family. What does that look like? Do I even want that? Will my kids have two families? What does family mean anyway?

I’ve tried to pacify my mind with thoughts like, “children grow up and start their own families anyway.” Our family unit would have changed in 10-15 years whether I wanted it to or not. I’ve also caught myself thinking about how “family” comes in many different forms. We have “work families,” “friend families,” “extended family.” Maybe that picture-perfect family frame doesn’t even matter. Or does it?

In the end, I’ve had to change my expectations of a family in order to move forward in life. I still consider my ex-husband part of my family and together with the kids we continue to have a unique bond, but it is not nor will it ever be the same.

I’ve learned it’s okay to miss my family. That feeling of grief is a sign of how much I loved “us.” I will always look fondly upon the days that I had that perfect family of four, but I’m also grateful for the perspective that family comes in many shapes and sizes.

Family means having someone to love you unconditionally in spite of your shortcomings. Family is loving and supporting one another even when it’s not easy to do so. If that’s family, then I still have one, and my kids still have one, even if it doesn’t look perfect on a Christmas card.

For more on finding joy, even when life leaves you in a place you never thought you’d be, visit notthewayiplanned.com