FAILING AS A DAD?

Not looking for sympathy here. Not looking for a pat on the back or those nice comments telling me how good I’m doing as a dad. I’m not really looking for anything other than sharing a bit of what I’ve gone through and maybe, it’s something someone out there can relate to or learn from or, I don’t know, something.

Most of Brode’s life has been with a dad that’s lived 400 miles away. I lost my job in Salt Lake City more than five years ago and Boise opened up its big heart and welcomed me in. Unfortunately, my wife at the time and I were separated which kept my son in Utah making it very difficult for me. 90% of what I made went straight to him and his mother. I lived to make sure they had a decent life. I made a promise to talk to my son every single day and I can say that I’ve backed that up through the years. I travel back and forth between Boise and Salt Lake City two or three times a month and I’ve been doing this for five years now. That drive is getting old.

With all of this I still feel like a failure. I miss telling my son to stop playing video games. I miss getting upset when he makes a mess. I miss not being there when he gets hurt or sick. It all just absolutely tears me up. I miss ball games. I’ve never met his girlfriend. I’m not there to help him tie his tie when it’s time to go to church. I could go on for hours. It just hurts. I’m so sorry. I so wish I could’ve been better. I wish I could’ve always been there for him, no matter what.

There are days when I can’t control my emotions. I’ve been divorced for awhile now and I’ve since met the most incredible woman. Someday, if she’ll have me, I’d be more than honored to make her my wife. She sees the backlash of the decisions I’ve made in life. The uncontrollable tears. The break downs. The despair and feeling of hopelessness when I can’t see my son. There are no words to say. How do you tell someone it’s o.k. when you know it’s not?

I have a good life. I live my dream every day by making people feel better as they listen to the music on our radio station. It’s my job to make sure their day is better no matter how bad it is. I hit that button, turn on that microphone and give it my all. It’s an escape for me. It’s paradise. It’s the one place I don’t think about all my short comings and negatives. And I take solace in thinking maybe I made one person out there feel a little bit better.

I don’t think I’m the worst dad. I think I’m the best dad I can be. Or at least that’s my goal every day. Life didn’t turn out how I expected but that’s how it is for all of us. I love my son more than life itself. I would do anything for that boy. I only hope he knows that. And I hope that in some way, those phone calls I make every day mean something to him because to me they mean everything.