Behind Closed Doors
I don’t share this part of myself very often, but sometimes I feel like I should. My hope is that someone else out there who is embarrassed or ashamed by the way they feel or act will know that they are not alone.
From the time I was very small I have battled intense anxiety and massive depressive episodes.
About 5 years ago I finally sought help because my words and actions had destroyed nearly every one of my relationships.
My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD from some things that happened in my childhood. I know that term gets tossed around a lot these days, but what she said made sense to me about how my brain works.
I have triggers that to this day send me back to being that very scared little girl who felt completely out of control of my world. I wasn’t sexually or physically abused as some doctors suspected, but I had unique trauma that played out over and over again. I even believe that my trauma started from the day I was born. As a 2lb. premie I was ripped from my Mother and poked and prodded instead of being snuggled and loved. (The medical world has come a long way since the 80’s and they handle premie’s completely differently now, including lots of skin to skin contact with Mom. )
Words trigger me, especially words of criticism, and certain vocal tones trigger me. Trauma can come in many different forms. I always think inside, “I’m trying so hard to be good.” “How did this happen again?”
When the PTSD or whatever you want to call it strikes, I go into fight or flight mode. All the fire alarms go off in my brain and I completely freak out. I’m not myself. I’m not rational. You can’t talk me down. It’s horrible for the person dealing with me and it’s a horrible, draining, experience for myself.
I am not an easy person to love. Well, I think most of the time I am, but when this happens it’s really tough.
I’m still working through things. I’ve done lots of EMDR therapy, which is helpful. However, just when I think my triggers have softened and I’ve got a firm grip on things, something happens.
I get that all of this is probably really rare. In fact, I’ve never met someone who quite has my same issues.
What I want you to know if any of this is relatable to you at all is that you have to keep fighting. You have to keep holding on to hope and trying new things to calm your brain. Along with therapy, I also take the anti-anxiety medication, Lexapro.
If you live with or love someone who battles depression, anxiety, or PTSD, try to understand that when those episodes happen, that is not really the person that you love.
Maybe that doesn’t make it easier to deal with, but try to separate the individual from the mental illness. (I still don’t like to admit that I have a mental illness because that’s just tough! I swear the best thing my therapist ever said to me was “You are not crazy.”)
In a world full of riches and filters and seemingly perfect lives, please know that that does not exist here with me, but I do know what it’s like to have to fight to keep going and if you share any sort of a similar battle, I’m cheering you on!
For more stories about finding joy when life leaves you in a place you never thought you’d be visit my blog, notthewayiplanned.com.